A Trip and Stumble Along the Way
Earlier in the year I was asked to go to Colorado to enjoy the festivities that the Treasure State had to offer. There was a variety of greenery and we planned on partaking every kind.
Now the journey towards this destination was met with some opposition and of course how I experienced it mystically was profound for my spiritual growth, if not just mental and physical.
I didn’t have a drivers license and I was required to drive a portion of the way. Now mind you, my partner didn’t have their license either for different reasons and so we both had to do our part to keep going on the journey. All I had to do was make sure I could assist him and he would take the lead. I found he took the lead for many things, something I admire.
Now, who he is to me is my business but it’s been very clear since we started hanging out that he is meant for my journey, in whatever form that may take.
Often I get carried away with labels and identification for the sake of clarity and precision. But I’ve been humbled by the truth that some things don’t have language to express. Experience is the only thing you can trust.
His name is Darien. And he’s a cutie. As I’ve told him, he isn’t the type I go for. And looking back, I see why he was pressed when I told him that. But to me, it’s a positive. Often we go for what we’re sexually attracted to and that can be fruitful or rotten. In my case, it was a fruit I never knew I needed to taste.
How we came together is a tale for another time and maybe an entirely different media. But what you should know is that we’ve spent everyday together since the summer of 2020. I spent more time with him[and few others]this year than people who’ve known me for longer. And while I recognize I fell into the worlds of other peoples and wasn’t keeping up with my own, I needed to have the challenge of determining my direction on solo mission.
So with this boy, I’m sorry, this man, I’ve learned healthy lessons in regards to the shadows that conceal my light from me. This was what I needed to step up to the plate for once and say, “I’m ready to play”. Of course the process wasn’t going to be easy nor swift. The lessons would come like a ton of bricks but still I had to persist through the quest.
Here I was, a neophyte battle mage ready to practice all that I learned in the depressive hermit mode of 2016 to 2019. And he, along with a few others, joined my party. Each of us struggling with our worlds and needing sense within it.
He wanted to go to Colorado to conquer the hike of Mt. Ida. He had went last time with someone else and didn’t get to scale the heights as he thought, so he was determined to finish it.
I thought, “A hike, this shouldn’t be hard. I climbed 高尾山 (Takao-San) which was almost 2000ft. However I quickly realized that the 2,000 didn’t compare to Ida which was almost 13,000 feet. However, I play all my games on hard mode so this wouldn’t be seen any differently.
Personally, I know the trip was for him and I was an added addition that helped make the journey easier. But I believe he wanted me there because he wants me next to him. At least I tell myself that to hold onto the faith about our union. However, this revealed how much of this trip would explore what I wanted and needed in my life and my relationships.
Anyway he chooses for us to stay in Granby which is almost two hours from Denver. We stayed in a cute cabin themed room with a nice view of the terrain.
Now we didn’t venture into town because honestly there wasn’t much to see in this quaint little society. We drove through a few trailer parks and stopped at a few of the lakes but it wasn’t the goal.
He wanted to get in that park and start the hike. He’s so particular. There was a bit of a hiccup that honestly didn’t make sense to us but in the end we gained access to the bitch.
And with access, the journey began. And I was having a heavy mystic flow.
When We Arrived
It was desolate. I was reminded that there were fires in this area just last year and it was a critical time for people. The world was literally on fire as our government fell apart and sickness ate through every nation on earth.
We were experiencing the wave that was going to wash away an era of inequity and filth. However, to arrive at a healthier place meant the sickness would have to rise to the surface. The natural world mirrors us. As we go through shifts, nature follows suit.
The grass had recovered, somewhat, as it always does but the trees were charred and memorialized a crispy death. All of the life that couldn’t escape the flames became another burnt offering for the sins that humanity was creating for itself and the planet at large.
As we stayed in this fiery rage stemmed from frustration, misunderstanding and acknowledged ignorance, the world expressed itself as well. The smallest organism infiltrated our bodies causing sickness and death while the largest organism was ravaged by it’s elements and our human negligence.
The macrocosm and microcosm proved its truth here that the invisible and visible are forever interacting. But first I had to be reminded that just because a bitches edges are fried, doesn't mean the rest of the scalp can’t be snatched. In other words, the fires that made this deathly scene somewhat unattractive for my expectations, I knew this wasn’t the entirety of the forests, that there was more beyond where I was standing and that the only way to experience it was to move further in.
And of course as we moved in, we were met with the lushness of the Rocky forests. There were many people out but few were traversing the terrain we were.
Starting the Hike
Now the scene was already pretty and while I want to show you all the pictures, you don’t need to see them. I’ll preserve those for facebook. However, what I will show you is the gnosis that I had a long the way.
Because on a walk like this, where silence is your friend, even when we’re with someone who we can talk with, we still lived in our heads.
Darien has a Scorpio rising, so I wonder what goes on behind those analyzing eyes. What does he say of the world? What does he see in it? When he focuses on something, he’s engaged. And I know when he stops listening, which pisses me off, but I know that of myself as well.
But since we’re human and we aren’t allowed access to another’s inner universe unless it’s expressed through a medium, I have to engage him and hope he gives me honesty. Learning to trust is a new venture for me, one that would show up with love towards another person. I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone before. Family is different.
I’ve made contact with many men of varying quality and variety. And I have only made partnerships with a few. And those few I’ve had have shown me where I’m lacking. I was either too young to know what I wanted versus needed, or I wasn’t ready for the level of responsibility it meant to love someone. Even saying Love is dangerous, because it tells a person something you’re not even saying. Or does it not speak enough to how the person feels? I don’t know, I thought a lot about others in relation to myself.
Then this big motherfucker stood his ground as we’re hiking.
I’ve never seen an Elk up close and I admitted to Darien later on when there was a herd roaming about I told Darien “I wasn’t impressed” because I like aquatic animals and bugs more.
But to be honest, looking back at why I took a picture of anything is because of the way it impressed upon me. Everything around me is beautiful, depending on how you frame and angle it. You can turn the most volatile shot into a force of beauty.
So yes, that Elk did impress me. A horned beast with the ability to impale and stomp me to death is rather an energy I can respect. And it’s the fact as I saw it and it surveyed us, we went our ways, unbothered. A predator would have felt differently, something to truly fear. And I notice the belief pattern that everyone out in the world is a predator. There is no dismissing that we’re animals and we’re killers, regardless of how people want to frame our evolutionary process.
Although I worried about the worlds capability for apathetic violence, I didn’t recognize that on the journey you meet creatures who aren’t necessarily victim to their malefic aspects. That their identity and their character is as its displayed and not a trick of ill-cunning spirits. And this fear oftentimes falls upon people who are close to me, this trick of not feeling safe with anyone. I have overcome a lot of it due to acceptance of personal responsibility, but when it was shoving me against the wall it prevented me from trusting in my connections that I made without force.
I struggled with not knowing what this man wants from me. What he sees in me and why he persists. I try to conceptualize the justification for his actions towards me. Why is he being so nice? How does he truly feel about me? And why can’t he express it the way that I desire to have it? If you know the background then you’ll understand why the negative narrative was being played on loop. But if you don’t know, then rest assured that I choose to fall into love.
Quick Segway: The Drive
The whole trip, beyond the hiking, was a testament to a possible involvement in his life. The drive there was the mini-trauma I probably needed to fight my irrationality. I don’t have a drivers license at the age of 28, because I am afraid of having control in my life; having to know when to turn and not to turn, and how fast is too fast. It says a lot about my mentality in regards to my life, the fear of making the wrong decision and trusting that the other drivers aren’t going to be assholes or unaware. Because they CAN be…a lot of the time.
And while I was panicking internally, frustrated with him for forcing me to fight my codependence, I gained the ability to take the wheel. Now yes, I was upset he had me driving in the rain and at night, two conditions I was warned about for new drivers. And yes, I was upset I felt he wasn’t concerned over my trepidation with my lack of driving experience, but I knew that he had the personality that wouldn’t coddle. And although I wanted someone to do it, I knew that was a habit I couldn’t make, especially for someone I was supposed to have as my equal, not my superior. Even though when he beats it up, he is kingly…but that’s not what you’re here to learn about.
In all, the drive was the part that was proof that I can handle leading myself, although I get rather lazy and rely on others as an excuse to keep going. If I was by myself, I don’t know what I would do. I would be making all the things I am and hoarding it. Or maybe I would be in a better position. The possibilities are many, but the fact of the matter now is that I’m with Player 2.
Back To the Journey…
Now the hike had plenty of rolling hills and the moment you reached the zenith of one, you were greeted with more. I don’t know if we thought we would come to the end of it, but we could see it. I wanted him to make it, to push and be proud of himself for accomplishing what he said he would. However, time was a factor and we were losing daylight. And honestly, one mistake would have been quite the fall, so we didn’t conquer Ida completely. However, I should have pushed him, because we could’ve finished within 20 minutes. But we did get higher than he was before, much higher. And I climbed higher than I’d ever have.
Trekking that grand mountain proved a lot of things for me, not just in regards to myself but my relation to the world at large. My Capricorn sensibilities arose with the understanding that the only requirement is to keep moving. Time. Time is not your friend but it is for you to wield. I often fail in my persistence. Especially when I feel I’m not obtaining results that are worthwhile. But realizing the physical work that it took to capture such beautiful sights is the realization I needed to invest my heart in all worthy actions.
Having someone there always feels better. I’ll admit I’ve given him a lot of my time, more than I’ve given anyone, especially for a man. And while I know that this path is solely for me, because no one is promised to you, I accept the love that is here now.
We have an entire world out there. And I love that I live in an age where dreams can be manifested easily with the current terrain. When I look out at any piece of nature not manipulated by man, I realize how much control I don’t have, and that’s fine. Ultimately the surrender to the flow of this order is what we must do. But to know when you can control yourself within it, and when skilled enough to swim, your intention forges a path.
So with all that, I choose to build with people who give me goodness, because they love me. And I’m trying and choosing to do the same. I keep to myself a lot, I deal with many things that you don’t necessarily need to know about. However, maybe I wouldn’t deal with so much if I just go outside and trust myself. Trust that I can be myself with someone else. And still not know who I am.
